Stephen Colbert: Great American Patriot
April 1, 2006
Today, there is only one man in America with the bravery, the fatherly confidence, the patriotic determination, the stern gravitas, and the balls enough to give us the truth. Stephen Colbert, host of The Colbert Report on Comedy Central is not about to let “facts” stand in the way of what he knows in his gut to be the truth.
Everywhere I look in our Homeland today, I see a liberal spin machine trying to defame our president for bringing freedom to the world. It has been Stephen Colbert who has been nailing these firefighter-hating pinkos on a nightly basis in his insightful interviews. I don’t know what the terrorist-huggers think, but by God, Stephen is not afraid to say that he is a patriot! He is not afraid to say that he wants Faith in our country, Faith in our President, and Faith in our Public Schools!
Like our great―nay, greatest―and current President, Colbert is taking his crusade global. Barely three months after the Colbert Report began airing in Canada, Conservative candidate Stephen Harper was elected Canada’s Prime Minister. Stephen fixed Canada in 77 days!
Honestly, can you even name one other media giant who is asking the tough questions of each and every member of congress? In Stephen’s 434-part “Better Know a District,” he’s already questioned more Congressmen about whether they’ve taken money from Jack Abramhoff than CNN has. Stephen has been bringing sushi-eating constitution-hugging liberal congressmen to task, demanding that each one account for their cowardice during his interviews by taking a swing at him. At present, only Congressman Jim Moran (D-Virginia) has thus redeemed his honor in Stephen’s eyes.
Alone in the bleak television landscape, Colbert stands as the last hero left to defend traditional American values against the terrible power of the non-Executive, Legislative, or Judicial branch-controlling Great Democrat Empire. How many other pundits are even willing to say the plain truth today; that keeping women out of the workforce and remaining stay-at-home mothers is the only way to safeguard our children from a morally upright and bright future? None! That’s how many!
It was Colbert and Colbert alone who had the balls, the love for the values of his country to be the first on TV to declare that we must protect our children from a modern-day Gomorrah by making adoption into a loving same-sex home illegal, and putting those tykes back into our already overburdened yet moral-as-apple-pie adoption system. Don’t worry about that emotional stunting, kiddies, you can vent it on the battlefield when you’re drafted into Gulf War VII: “Operation: Hey, Are You Looking At Me?!”
And just as Pope John Paul II and Ronald Reagan each took a bullet and then went on to defeat global communism, Stephen Colbert was shot in the chest by Conan O’Brian on his late-night talk show simply for defending his patriotic love of our laws. Stephen was shot for having the balls to say that Rosa Parks was wrong for breaking the law. And now like his heroes, Stephen might just go on to defeat global terrorism.
On the subject of our laws, don’t any of you find it deuced odd that so few in the media today have the balls to support President Bush’s wiretapping crusade? Stephen supports wiretapping so much that he wiretaps every crew member working the Colbert Report. Stephen isn’t afraid to keep his audience afraid; if I’m not afraid, he’s not doing his job as a right-wing crusader. Fear, fear will keep the local systems in line, Obi-wan.
Too many new-age ACLU lunatics are trying to ruin our culture these days, but Colbert has the inspired patriotism to take the fight back to them! Stephen is the first man I know who said that Darwin’s Origin of Species should be considered a work of fiction, and damn it if I don’t respect him for it. Stephen has been re-elevating the American literary landscape with some of his own masterpieces, like Don’t Buy This Book If you Don’t Have the Balls and Don’t Buy This Book If You Don’t Have the Balls … for Kids. I was personally inspired by his magnum opus, “Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure,” a cautionary tale warning against over-reliance on intelligence reports and not relying enough on a fast trigger finger. It makes The Empire Strikes Back look like Star Trek: Nemesis!
Armed with nothing more than his integrity, his ballsiness, and an American flag, Stephen Colbert is leading a one-man defense against America’s greatest current threat: Bears. These ursine monsters are soulless killing machines, and for too long, too long, have they infiltrated our culture. Winnie the Pooh? Smokey? Poster boys meant to pacify us for the oncoming bear onslaught! Because Stephen is telling us the truth: he’s not targeting his attacks against law-abiding Americans, he’s targeting bears! Creating a Bear Police capable of entering homes and searching private records is something Stephen would never support if he didn’t think A) that it was the only way to save our democratic way of life, and B) that such wiretapping-armed and warrant-free Bear Police would never be one day used against the American people. They’d be there to hunt down the bears. And what would the bleeding heart liberals (read: bear collaborators) say to Stephen? That he has to “prove” that a bear, is indeed, a bear? Look Mr. Smarty Pants, the government knows a bear when it sees one, and doesn’t need a warrant or a court of law or a trial by jury to prove that!
That patriotic determination is why Stephen Colbert has convinced me that America is under siege both from without and from within, and to alter our course of action based on so called “factual reports made by experts in the field” would be violating another great Republican president’s maxim that “you don’t change a horse midstream” and you don’t leave a war half finished. We would be failing as Americans if we didn’t allow President Bush all means possible to combat any threat to America. During a time of war, the constitution allows the Chief Executive to take on emergency powers. What’s that you say, “Congress has not declared a state of war?” Listen you business-casual-wearing-terrorist-coddler. The president is the Commander-in-Chief of the army, and when he orders our troops to fight that’s the Truth of the situation, even if the “Fact” of some old laws might be stepping on it’s own toes a little.
Stephen Colbert has made me unafraid to hold my head high and support our President, and he needs it. I mean, Bush is so afraid of the despotic Democratic powerbloc that he hasn’t used his veto once during his time in office. The Associated Press sure doesn’t support him; honestly, do you think that publishing the Abu Ghraib photos helped troop morale? Stephen sure thought it didn’t. The Associated Press’ latest blunder was their failure to credit Colbert with the creation of a word he invented on-air, “Truthiness.” Stephen Colbert has convinced me that truthiness is what will save our country; stop relying on all of these legal details and “facts” and get back to the “truth.” America is an awesomely powerful force for freedom and democracy across the globe, spreading peace wherever there’s oil. That is why I am unafraid to say with pride that I am a member of the Colbert Nation!