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Top 10 Television Guilty Pleasures

March 7, 2008

by Michael Tucker

What makes you turn on, tune in, cringe and wince in sadomasochistic pleasure? The Observer asked you, the readers, what your favorite television guilty pleasures were. There were many suggestions, and the following ten have been selected as the best.

#10 Maury

Suggesed by Ben Chase

Who doesn’t like watching people solve extremely personal disputes in front of millions of people? Watching Maury Povich’s show, we are humbly reminded that 15-year-olds can have as much sex as they want, with whomever they want, because it’s their body and they do what they want. You disagree? That’s because you wished you looked that good. Now sit down and shut up, sit down and shut up.

# 9 Saved by the Bell

Suggesed by Ben Broderick

For many Tufts students, high school is nothing more than a quickly fading, fond memory. This gritty, realistic drama reminds us all what it was like. The show never shies away from the controversial topics facing most American teenagers — like what to do when finding oil under the football field, or how to set up an underground babysitting syndicate. Most importantly, Saved by the Bell captured the beauty of early 1990s America (or present day Canada).

# 8 Next

Suggesed by Jon Bloom

This is how dating would be if the Nazis had won the war — a bizarre spectacle of utilitarian courtship that makes everyone involved uncomfortable. The MTV show features one contestant, either a man or woman, and five suitors vying for his or her affection. It is, for all comparative purposes, the television equivalent to a frat party hook-up. They both have attractive people, sexual tension, and cheesy dialogue — and we can’t look away. We know how it’s going to end, but we watch anyways.

#7 Mythbusters

Suggesed by Matt Schultze

The pseudo-science of Mythbusters appeals to everyone, from engineers to art history majors. The show answers questions that most of us never asked, but it is good to know the answers anyway. Next time you win an argument over whether or not a frozen duck can stop a bullet, you will have Mythbusters to thank. The only question left unresolved is what Adam and Jamie, the show’s two hosts, do after the cameras are off. Moustache rides, anyone?

# 5 History Channel

Suggesed by Stephanie Brown

Some consider this channel an educational tool. Others see it in its more natural light, as a guilt-free way to procrastinate. Reading is clumsy and intrusive, requiring your undivided attention and both of your hands. Watching this History Channel is like a book that holds and reads itself, and the pictures move too! If nothing else, the History Channel offers the viewer a chance to pick up a few morsels of knowledge, morsels that can and hopefully will be used to silence that know-it-all in your political science lecture. Turn it on, you might learn something.

# 6 To Catch A Predator

Suggesed by Thomas Sutherland

Is there a better better way to start socially rehabilitating a criminal than by confronting him on national television? I didn’t think so. This show features the always-smug and self serving Chris Hansen, courageously cleaning up America’s streets, one pedophile at a time. It is also the only show on television that elicits the screams once reserved solely for slasher flicks. “Don’t go into that room, there’s a man with a chainsaw… I mean, there’s Chris Hansen!” Watching this show could contribute to the downfall of television, then all entertainment, then civilized society. But who cares? When it’s on, “why don’t you just go ahead and have a seat.”

#4 Games and Sports Network

Suggesed by Sam Dozor

This channel features the long-lost children’s game shows, such as Global Guts, Legends of the Hidden Temple, and Double Dare. It reminds us of a simpler time, a time before the war on terror, a time when alliances were drawn not by nations but by Silver Snakes and Blue Barracudas. It also reminds us that the warning signs were always there — Tufts students complain about a tyrannical and warmongering President Bush, but they all turned a blind eye throughout childhood to the iron-fisted rule of Olmec. When you were a kid, you were pretty sure that you could beat up on those Global Guts’ punks and earn yourself a piece of the crag. Now, as a college student, you are supremely confident that you would reign supreme over those 12-year-olds.

# 3 Food Network

Suggesed by Steve Sherman

An entire channel dedicated solely to food — a college student’s dream. You’ve worked your way well into the night, and through a bottle of hooch and a bag of reefer, but the party has died down. What to do? Your roommates are still awake, so porn is out of the question. You could read, but the room is spinning too quickly for you to focus on the words. The Food Network, of course! Salivating, in an ecstasy of imagined flavor, you watch as chef after chef prepares tasty treats. Then it hits you: your grandmother is probably watching the same show. Then the guilt sets in. Then you order Domino’s.

# 2 Lifetime Channel Movies

Suggesed by Katia Porzocanksi

Women: are you tired of being subjugated as inferior by a world of male oppressors? Do you wish there were movies about how you feel? Well there are, and one is probably on right now. Men: don’t feel left out. Every once in a while, even the most masculine of men needs to express his femininity — and Lifetime Channel movies are a lot easier than traipsing around in heels and a skirt for a night. These made-for-TV gems feature routinely poor acting, but are driven by their engaging and unique plots. With a Lifetime movie, you never know what you are going to get. Is it going to be teacher-overcomes-oppressive-male-principal? Could it be wife-overcomes-oppressive-husband? Maybe something simpler, like unknowingly-but-ultimately-empowered-rookie-female-cop-overcomes-oppressive-precinct-Sergeant-then-finds-strength-in-inner-femininity? Who knows, but I’ll for sure be watching.

#1 A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila

Suggesed by Mike Tucker

The myspace-starlet turned mainstream eye-candy starred in her own show to find out if she was more attracted to men or women. Tila Tequila sifted through a horde of gulls, both men and women, to try and find true love. It is a stylish and sexy adaptation of a a mouse running through a maze to find a wedge of cheese. A riveting case-study into the bisexual psyche, this show has greatly benefited the academic community (look for a Tufts course in the fall: gender differences, class construction, and bias in A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila). The show also proved that liquor, bikinis, and an average IQ of 65 make great television.