Green and Red: TUPD officers vent repressed high school memories, kick stoner ass
April 1, 2008
A small riot erupted on the library roof at midnight yesterday. TUPD officers clashed with over 40 students smoking marijuana, according to the police report. Sergeant Frank Miller, head of the Tufts anti-drug task force, says the raid was planned. “Eah, it was a sting. Ah, we came in with billy clubs in hand. Um, ah, to crack some hippie skulls.”
And crack hippie skulls they did.
According to eye witness reports, TUPD officers rushed onto the library roof, sealing off the only exit. “It was stoner bashing time,” said one officer, “just like in high school.” The officers mercilessly beat the students well into the night, until pieces of hemp hoodies were deeply embedded into their batons.
The library roof ran red with hippie blood and spilled Odwalla. “It was horrible,” said one student. “There was blood and sandals and fair-trade coffee everywhere.”
Eighteen students were taken to the hospital for blunt trauma injuries, three of whom are still awaiting release.
Freshman Tad Murphy said of the incident, “Negative energy man, total buzzkill.” Other students shared the sentiment; “Totally killer,” said Conner Brown, “Total bummer.”
Some students were not surprised. “We live in a patriarchal, jingoistic, sexist, capitalistic, racist, chauvinistic, classist society — is it any surprise som ething like this would happen?” said senior Dan D. Ummbitsh.
The Tufts administration is investigating the case, and TUPD is launching an internal probe into allegations of excessive use of police force. Some contend that the officers’ aggression was revenge for an April 20, 2007 incident in which TUPD officers were forced from the library roof by a barrage of Frisbees and hacky sacks.
Some applaud TUPD’s efforts. “I am just sick and tired of hearing Phish and Dave Matthews Band whenever I am by the library,” said junior Schmoo Ruden. “I am glad those reefer jockeys got what was coming to ‘em!”
Unconfirmed reports claim that Tufts President Larry Bacow was on the roof at the time of the incident. According to an anonymous source, TUPD officers spared Bacow a clubbing, and instead flogged the esteemed educator. Sgt. Miller said denied the allegations; “I would never flog Larry.”
Of course, Larry Bacow’s involvement in this article was fictional. He would never get high, and I would like to believe that if he was, he wouldn’t get caught anyways. Bacow pwns.