Letter to the Arts Section
April 1, 2008
The following is a letter actually sent to the Observer Arts Section. It is in no way fictional.
An open letter to all the girls who continously deny my sexual advances, a.k.a. why won’t you sleep with me?
Dear Tufts Girls,
I am a sophomore at Tufts, almost half-way through my collegiate career. Unfortunately, I haven’t “hooked up” with any girls.
I once told everyone in my dorm that I made out with a girl. They were surprised, but proud. I still don’t have the heart to tell them that I later found out he was a French boy from the International House. I was drunk, he was a French. It was a freshman mistake, one any student could have made. But my dorm mates could never know — they would never understand. But after reading this… they will know. And I’m sorry, Pierre. Our secret is out.
I constantly hear about girls on my hall hooking up with guys. One of my friends, Terry, totally messes with chicks. I know it happens. I just don’t understand why it can’t be me. Odds are I am not your friend, so it won’t be awkward after. I’ll even let you deny it. I won’t say “hi” to you in the dorm. I won’t sit with you in Dewick. I won’t look at your Facebook profile in public.
I always thought that I was responsible for my own failures. I was crazy enough to believe that it was some fault of my own that was the cause. Then it became clear. It is your fault, not mine. I just don’t get it. I am sure that I am compatible with most of you girls. After two years of Facebooking, I feel like I have gotten to know most of you very well. We share the same activities and interests, and enjoy the same music, TV shows, movies, and books.
I haven’t had that much experience, but I am confident. I have been described as “adequate and slightly above average.” Trust me; middle school girls know what they’re talking about. Don’t get me wrong. I have never engaged in any sexual activity with a middle school girl — just asked them to gage my size. Any Child Development Major can attest that a child of middle school age has fully developed spatial reasoning and sound visual judgment.
So, girls, now you know how I feel. Maybe one of you will take kindly to my words and let me anywhere near your hands, chest, mouth, feet, or elbows. As long as you keep your Facebook profiles open to the public — we’ll keep in touch.
Signed,
Hopeless Romantic