On the Front Lines of Canada's Culture War

April 1, 2008

by Herring Schultzer

A culture war is brewing in North America. Not, as you would think, in the cities of the United States, but in the Great White North: Canada. The marriage of Canadians and the French, both living in the foul wastes north of the St. Lawrence River, produces a bitter sap; one made into a syrup inedible at even the foulest IHOP.

It was clear to some that trouble was brewing in a confrontation three weeks ago in the capital, Toronto. The Saskatchewan Confederation of Bear Wrestlers, Canada’s largest political party, got into a rowdy verbal dispute with the Quebecois Association of Bear Lovers, the largest French political party. No physical contact occurred, but it marked the most violent non-hockey related altercation since debate started on the Dog Tax in 1867.

The feud between the groups is representative of an underlying problem existing within Canada’s cultures. “There were no injuries, but some feelings were hurt,” said Donald McDouglas, lumberjack and the longest sitting Member of Parliament in Canadian history.

Along some stretches of the Celine Dion Highway, the largest of Canada’s four highways, some road signs have been replaced with English-only versions. “This is a clear sign to the French community — it says we don’t want you here,” said Douglas McDonald, the Mountie who patrols the highway on horseback.

Other Mounties in some cities have recieved complaints of strongly worded letters to the editor that denounce the French presence in Canada. Whether this is related to the intentional misprinting of signs was unknown as of press time.

Roving gangs of Canadian youth are terrorizing some communities, as reported by the Montreal Hockey Gazette and Syrup Revue, Canada’s largest newspaper. Loitering around local Tim Horton’s Donut Shops, in blatant violation of the “No Loitering” signs, many youths have community leaders frightened.

“These are the times that try men’s souls,” said Adams McHarper, the Minister of Wheat. “It starts off with kids loitering in explicitly anti-loitering zones. It ends with jaywalking and failure to signal lane changes. That’s not the Canada I grew up in.” He paused for a moment. “Oh my! I finished a sentence with a preposition.”

French children have responded to the boastful and aggressive loitering of their Canadian counterparts. Baguettes and berets now litter the streets of some French cities. Francois Boisvin, a thirteen-year-old, said of their littering, “They can take our liberty, but never our baguettes and berets. If they are going to loiter, we are going to litter.”

In response to the unchecked littering, Parliament, now controlled by the Saskatchewan Confederation of Bear Wrestlers, exacted revenge on the French population. They reduced the daily governmental wine distribution down from four bottles per person to two. This move was met with cries of “Sacre bleu!” from the French minority.

“But my children need wine!” screamed one French Member of Parliament from the coldest recesses of the Parliamentary Igloo. His objections were echoed by the rest of the French delegation, who stormed out of the Igloo in protest. A rare thaw on the lake prevented the French from skating across the ice, trapping them in the Igloo. Since they had nowhere to go and nothing better to do, the issue was temporarily set aside to resume debate on the Dog Tax.

Most athletes are not eager for change. Famed moose racer Douglas McKenzie said of his sport, “It’s a Canadian sport, and I don’t want any French in it.” Honorary Prime Minister Wayne Gretzky, mentioned by both sides as a mediator, denied to comment on the issue, as he refuses to acknowledge his appointment and was busy organizing a game of shinny.

Despite these grim omens, there is some hope for Canada’s cultural future. The country’s most beloved athlete and public figure, 39-year-old four time National Curling Champion Harper McAdams, has called for a symbolic cease-fire between the two groups. “I believe that this could all be solved with a rousing match of curling.”





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