The Benefits of the Bottle

April 1, 2008

A degree from Tufts University does not come without cost. In giving up a vibrant social scene for the sake of attending a top-tier university, students are sentencing themselves to a life of overrated scholarship and ineffectual civic engagement that will leave them ill-prepared for the harsh realties of an unforgiving world. President Lawrence S. Bacow and the administration have become blindsided by the empty promises of “active citizenship” and a greater national reputation, leaving graduates without the wherewithal or expertise to find solace at the bottom of a bottle. These injustices cannot continue any further, and The Observer hopes that the administration will recognize these deficiencies and act accordingly.


The underlying problems surfaced last semester with the first Senior Pub Night. Problems arose when Tufts seniors were unable to hold their alcohol, embarrassing the institution and forever branding Tufts students as “a bunch of lightweights.” The root of this issue lies not in the seniors themselves, however, but rather the culture on campus that looks down upon late night bending, heavy drinking, and general debauchery. Senior Hari Nandu, a well-regarded premedical student, believes that it is “very clear that the students’ inability to remain intoxicated for long periods of time without losing consciousness and successfully retaining their liquid waste is a direct result of a low alcohol tolerance.” This lack of tolerance stems from an unhealthy class-to-beer ratio, where students place a dangerous emphasis on scholastic achievement at the expense of alcohol consumption.


The need to resolve this blight on our campus’s record should not be underestimated. Good grades, extracurricular activities, and competitive internships provide only ephemeral happiness, leading to a fruitless quest for greater accolades that ends in disappointment and regret. An inevitable slippery slope sets in as Tufts graduates face decreasing returns on their effort, resulting in little professional success, unfulfilled relationships, and a debilitating midlife crisis. By not developing a beneficial relationship with alcohol, students risk adulthood unaided by liquor’s unparallel ability to dull pain, sadness, and regret.


Steps taken today can ensure that future generations of Jumbos will not suffer the same fate as our graduating class. The administration must intervene immediately with programs, and The Observer proposes a radical overhaul of the impotent freshman pre-orientation programs. First, S.I.P. will replace the F.I.T. program, where instead of focusing on fitness, students will train in techniques yielding intense stamina in alcohol consumption. Second, the F.O.C.U.S. program will switch its “focus” from combating hunger to “thirst,” by actively supplying liquor and other spirits to those most in need. Lastly, the wilderness program will teach underage students to prepare their own alcohol from indigenous roots, herbs, and other brush local to the Somerville area, thereby combating the limited accessibility of first- and second-year students to alcohol. Eliminating classes on Fridays and removing the two-drink maximum at Hotung are other measure that could promote a more robust and accepted drinking culture on campus.


The university prides itself on producing active citizens who work to generate positive societal change. Nonetheless, this concentration on civic engagement will inevitability lead to deep and utter despair, as young graduates realize the futility of their efforts to cure the ills of the world. It is a disservice to the students if the university encourages active citizenship, but not the habits that will make the failures of such a lifestyle bearable. A great man once said that alcohol is the “cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” The administration should heed his words, and not allow future graduates to enter the world without appreciating the true worth of the bottle. The ball is in your court, President Bacow. The Observer hopes you answer the call.