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Ticker Tape 4/1

April 1, 2008

Collectively bullshitted by the O Staff

Tufts Cannot Turn Frown Upside Down

According to a study released by the Tufts Department of Psychology, self-loathing is at an all time high among Jumbos. Students say they do not deserve anything better.

Tufts Alum Makes a Mark in the Restaurant Industry

Jumbo John Smith (A ‘04) recently reached a career high when he was hired as a drive–thru window attendant at the McDonald’s in Somerville’s Davis Square. McSmith will be dishing out fries and pouring soft drinks from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday. Although he acknowledged that his bachelor’s degree perhaps made him slightly “overqualified”for his new position, Smith also said that he was looking forward to the perks it offered, “like the free milkshakes.”

Toilet Paper Taboo

The TCU Senate recently approved the formation of a new student group, the “Committee for the Abolishment of Toilet Paper.” Armed with a $50,000 budget, this new group hopes to make wiping your ass as taboo as drinking bottled water. Butt scratching will ensue.

New Facebook Applications

According to company insiders, Facebook will soon institute an optional subscription model. For $15 a month, subscribers will be able to view the full profiles of all users. For an extra $10, users can purchase a premium subscription, which will allow them to use an exclusive computer algorithm to remove all clothing from Facebook pictures.

Local Study Targets Indie Teens

A new study by the Cambridge Health Alliance shows a 25 percent increase in hospitalizations among local indie high school students. The study has yet to determine the exact cause, but researchers suspect that super tight jeans might be contributing to poor blood circulation and an unusually high amount of leg amputations. Fortunately for the indie teens, most MySpace pictures will not be affected.

From the Desk of Mara Sacks

Here at the O, we considered doing a parody of the Primary Source as part of this issue. However, we decided that kicking an injured puppy really wasn’t necessary.