Who Killed Mr. Baggerton? A Major: Undecided Sketch
April 1, 2008
The scene is the library of a Victorian mansion at night. Wendell Phillips, a detective in his 40s, stands haughtily with a pipe in one hand. He is addressing Mr. Trevor, 20s, and Psycho Bob, 20s. Psycho Bob is holding a cheese grater and is covered in a red liquid.
Wendell
I am here to decipher this most dastardly of deeds, the murder of Mrs. Baggerton. From my initial review of the deceased, I have inferred that the motive was money, the murder weapon: a cheese grater. (The three grimace.)
Mr. Trevor
I can’t even imagine how gross that must be.
Wendell
(ignoring Mr. Trevor)I have assembled everyone in this room because you all have a reason to want Mrs. Baggerton dead, with the exception of Psycho Bob here, who I enjoy for his most peculiarly delightful demeanor.
Mr. Trevor
So…I’m the only suspect?
Wendell
Yes, if you put it that way.
Mr. Trevor
Uh…can I just point out that Psycho Bob is holding a cheese grater and is covered in blood?
Wendell
Ah yes, Psycho Bob, I am once again tickled by your flair for the unexpected.
Mr. Trevor
He’s holding the murder weapon and is covered in what I expect to be the victim’s blood.
Wendell
Pointing fingers is the surest sign of trickery, Mr. Trevor.
Mr. Trevor
I’m just saying.Psycho Bob
Also, this is a cheese shredder. Not a grater.Wendell
See, Mr. Trevor? Also, Psycho Bob now has an alibi at the time of the murder: he was shredding cheese.Mr. Trevor
While covered in blood.Psycho Bob
This thing is sharp! I cut myself a lot due to its shredding nature.Mr. Trevor
What about the GPS locators we all had installed when we starting working at this mansion? The GPS history puts Psycho Bob in the same room as Mrs. Baggerton at the time of the murder.
Psycho Bob
I must not have noticed her getting murdered. I was really working hard shredding cheese.(pause)
What were you doing?
Mr. Trevor
I was running around the mansion trying to find the location of the agonized screams.Wendell
How convenient, Mr. Trevor. I notice that in the event of Mrs. Baggerton’s death, you would receive quite the pretty penny as stated in her will.Mr. Trevor
Yes. I would receive one penny. It was some sick joke of hers. It wasn’t even guaranteed to be a pretty penny.Wendell
Nonetheless, you clearly had something to gain, while Psycho Bob had no motive.Mr. Trevor
Except…HE’S CRAZY. His name is Psycho Bob! He was named, quite accurately, with the adjective “psycho!”Psycho Bob
Actually, “Psychotic,” but I’m trying to hip it up.Mr. Trevor
Regardless—
Wendell (correcting him)
Mr. Trevor
No, I don’t want to negate regardless.Psycho Bob
Then say, “Un-irregardless.”Mr. Trevor
That’s a double negative.Psycho Bob
That’s not un-beside the point.Mr. Trevor
(to Wendell)Do you not see how crazy this guy is?! He is covered in blood, has a cheese GRATER, and is named Psycho Bob!
As Mr. Trevor rants, Psycho Bob blatantly places the cheese shredder into a duffle bag near him.
Wendell
I’ll have to examine the scene more closely with my magnifying glass. I’ll just get it out of my bag.Wendell rummages through the bag. He picks up the bloody cheese grater in horror.
Psycho Bob
It was you all along!Wendell
No! It couldn’t have been! Or could it? But why would I have done it? Nevertheless, I shall turn myself in to the proper authorities. Which is myself.(talking to himself)
Well then I refuse to be taken in.
(switching characters)
But I must!
(switching characters)
Never! I’ll run away.
(switching characters)
I’ll chase you to your death.
(switching characters)
So be it! Let the hunt begin!
He runs off.
Wendell
Slow down!(switching characters)
Never!
Psycho Bob and Mr. Trevor sit in stunned silence.
Psycho Bob
(to Mr. Trevor) That is one fucked-up dude.Psycho Bob holds up a bowl of red stuff.
Psycho Bob
Want some shredded Mrs. Baggerton? I’m gonna go make another bowl.