How to Write the Ultimate Love Letter
April 1, 2008
I’ve been called “the love master,” “the man of ladies men” and “probably one of the most romantic men alive.” And that was just in a single breakfast conversation with my grandmother.
Guys approach me every day. “Sam,” they say, “I see you with an endless flow of intelligent and attractive women, sometimes up to eight at the same time. How do you do it?” I tell them that the answer is simple: the key to a woman’s heart is a Porsche. Without a Porsche, the best one can do is a well-written love letter.
So how do you organize a love letter to get all the babes? First, a love letter must be formatted correctly. Then the writing of the letter itself may begin. The love letter must have an introduction, which is slow and steady. As the letter continues into the middle portion (the “rising action”), it should slowly build pace, to promote excitement and to prevent the love letter from getting boring. The letter should build and build until it gets to the climax of the love letter, where the writer finally announces his feelings honestly. Then the letter calms down drastically, and there is usually some cuddling until the letter finally ends and the man leaves.
The format of the love letter must be romantic and attractive. If the letter is typed, you should start out by writing “<3” all the way across the top of the letter. “<3” is how you write a heart using a keyboard if you don’t know how to make the heart symbol, or if you have no dignity. If the letter is handwritten, you can draw roses and hearts on the top and side of the letter. Crude stick figure drawings that express your love are always a fun and effective option.
Once the letter has been correctly decorated, you may confidently start writing. The introduction, or slow and steady portion, should start out with a greeting. Let’s say that the love of your life is named Jennifer. You may not begin “Dear Jennifer.” That greeting is boring and unoriginal. A girl reading that greeting will invariably throw away or eat the letter, no matter how many times you wrote “<3” on the top. “What ho, Jennifer!” is another creative greeting. “How’s it hanging, Jennifer?” also seems to be effective, although some girls are alienated by that type of greeting (contractions in this portion of the letter are risky in general). However you begin the letter, it should be short and interesting, leading her into the rest of the introduction.
The introductory paragraph should, as I mentioned, be slow and steady. Experts may vary sentence order and wording, but if you are getting less than four women a night, I would suggest that you stay close to my examples. The first sentence should set the pace. “I love you so much” is a classic, and one of my favorites. “OMG you are the world to me and I love you” is a longer sentence, more suited to eloquent and fluid writers, or people who won’t shut the hell up. “You are like a shining star, bringing light to my life” is good for poetic letters. “I want to be inside you” is, however, only advisable if you are being sarcastic.
The rest of the introduction is simply an elaboration of the first sentence. I personally find that it is convenient to rearrange the words in the first sentence and repeat them for the rest of the paragraph. If the first sentence is “I love you so much,” the second could be “You, I love so much,” followed by “So much I love you.” This will confuse your potential hot babe, while drilling your message into her head. Experts may inject romantic words into the sentences, but I must caution that too many words will break the rhythm, disappointing your woman.
The introduction may be as long as you wish, but once the pace gets too fast, or you run out of sentence permutations, you must move on to the rising action. The rising action should consist of increasingly short sentences ending in exclamation points. Start out long: “I love you like a horse loves water!” or “There’s a party in my pants, and this is your exclusive invitation!” Then slowly allow your sentences to get shorter, with sentences like “I love you!” and “You’re fairly attractive!” As you approach one-word sentences, make sure that their topic is focused on your lovebird. If she is a classy girl, end with sentences like “love!” “life!” and “flowers!” If she is a tall girl, end with sentences like “love!” “basketball!” and “high shelves!” If she is blind, end with any sentences you wish.
Now the climax has been reached. This is the open part of the letter. Scream your emotions without any regards for censorship or what the other person might think. “There’s no one in my life but you!” is a great part of a climatic paragraph. “I’ve been spying on you as you dress each morning!” is usually a bad idea, but if the letter was written correctly, she will be so overwhelmed by love she won’t notice. Continue with this disgorgement of words until you get near your assigned word limit for the love letter. If you are not sure of the word limit, ask one of your classmates. If they are not online, just do 500, because most college essays demand 500 words, and if it’s good enough for Tufts University it had damn well better be good enough for your future mate.
The climax being finished, end the letter with a conclusion. Remember, your counterpart will be exhausted from reading the beginning of the letter, and will only have enough energy for a quick wrap up. Always start your final paragraph with “in conclusion.” My fifth grade English teacher gave me that advice, and I’ve never looked back. The conclusion sentences should be reflective and important-sounding. “In conclusion, I’ve been thinking about my love for you my entire life” is a classy, effective wrap-up. Occasionally, it might be a good idea for experts to broach new topics for the sake of a smooth transition to the ending, such as “in conclusion, if I were a magician, I would want to pull you out of my hat. Instead of the bunny rabbit. You know.” If you’re still far from your word limit, fill the rest of the conclusion up with garbage. This is a timeless writing tactic invented by Thomas Edison, and used by Earnest Hemmingway, Allen Ginsberg, and William Shakespeare. Your final sentence should be romantic, but conclusive. “Love, Sam XOXOXOXOXO” is a popular one. Of course, you should substitute your own name in if appropriate.
Once you have finished, look over your paper and check for any spelling mistakes. Add a few more hearts if you feel that it’s necessary. Now you’re done with your letter, so put it in an envelope and mail it to your buttercup, or just give it to her sometime. The final and most important step is to leave your door open, so she will not break it in her lust-driven excitement to get to you.
Love, Sam. XOXOXOXOXO