Godzilla
April 1, 2008
Beijing - Diplomatic negotiations between the Chinese government and Godzilla broke down this past weekend, after Godzilla refused to honor the terms and conditions of China’s non-devouring agreement. Chinese officials were eager to pacify Godzilla, as well as pro-Godzilla dissidents within the Communist Party, amid growing fears that Godzilla’s presence on the Asian continent would disrupt the proceedings of the Beijing Olympics this coming summer. Communist Party insiders remained optimistic even after 43 members of their delegation were devoured Friday afternoon by the 600-foot-tall proto-lizard. It was not until Godzilla consumed the Hall of Supreme Harmony within the Forbidden City that the conference proceedings were halted.
Similar fears arose prior to the 1998 Winter Olympic Games in Nagano, Japan. Fortunately, Godzilla grew sluggish and sleepy due to the extreme cold just short of the Olympic village. While Godzilla has long caused social and economic havoc in Japan, his far-reaching migratory patterns mean that his influence is far more prevalently felt than was previously thought.
“Traditionally Godzilla has been perceived as a Japanese problem,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao during his weekly public address. “Unfortunately, whether Japanese, Korean, or Chinese, all Asians look the same to Godzilla.”
Many within the Chinese government have pushed for a pre-emptive strike against the growing reptilian threat. Early last year, funding for the construction of a giant mechanized Yao Ming was approved by the Chinese Defense Ministry. The project superseded earlier efforts to create a giant robotic Jackie Chan that required the supplementary construction of a massive automated Chris Tucker.
“We must seriously consider Godzilla as a threat to each and every Chinese citizen” said General Tong Tsao, a two-star general in China’s defense department. “No matter how much Chinese Godzilla eats, a half an hour later he is hungry again,” added General Tsao. The general, a key figure in the construction of Mega-Yao Ming, is also responsible for the hugely successful “Run, It’s Godzilla” awareness campaign conducted earlier this year.
Like Iran and North Korea, the U.S. government does not recognize Godzilla diplomatically. “Giant monster proliferation is a problem that the U.S. government has ignored for far too long,” said Brown University professor and noted Chupacabra activist Amanda Fretz. “Ever since the death of King Kong in the early 1930’s, the American people have not experienced such a threat. Even Cloverfield was largely ignored by a great majority of the U.S. urban population.” Mrs. Fretz suggests that “the U.S. government should consider the deployment of Voltron or perhaps even the Mega-Zords in order to defend our athletes in the upcoming Olympics.”