An Inconvenient Electric Bill
April 1, 2007
Ladies and gentlemen, conscious Americans, it is I, Al Gore. Surely you all know that I have already contributed greatly to the global community, as the original innovator of the Internet and as the whistleblower on the Love Canal scandal. Though these were monumental accomplishments, I still felt this void, this intangible emptiness in my life. The impassioned activist within me yearned to save the world, to cure it of its “fever,” if you will.
As you may remember, in 2006 I released my film An Inconvenient Truth; true, I packed the movie’s 100 minutes with graphs, charts, and diagrams to support my thesis that global warming may be prevented by mass sacrifice, though forgive me, I forgot to include a few statistics vital to understanding my personal attitude towards the matter. These statistics indicate my actions as a “private citizen,” as my spokesman so described them.
Well, my life as a private citizen takes place on my estate just outside of Nashville, Tennessee, where my wife Tipper and I indulge in just over twenty times the annual energy use of the average American household. To hit you with some raw numbers, the American households consumed an average of 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) in 2006. This meager figure astonishes me, as in 2006 I couldn’t quite lower my consumption below 221,000 kWh! Now I know at first glance this may seem hypocritical, but in reality it makes perfect sense. Following the release of my movie, it was safe to assume that many Americans would cut their energy consumption. This logic justifies the 2,200 kWh rise in my personal monthly consumption after the release of my movie.
Let me tell you, all of this used energy has not been cheap; my 2006 energy expenditures stand at a whopping $30,000! But what can I say; I’m a man with needs. My mansion, guesthouse, and pool house won’t energize themselves. Oh that damn pool house, it alone costs me $500 a month in utilities.
I’m sure these statistics make me appear terribly extravagant, but these too may be justified. Earlier this year, my spokesman publicly stated that I have “purchased offsets for my carbon emissions to bring my carbon footprint down to zero.” Well, he was right…mostly. Purchased wasn’t exactly the best word since I receive these offsets free-of-cost as an employee benefit from General Investment Management (GIM), a firm in London of which I am a cofounder. But what’s wrong with that? I’m still helping the environment! I’m just in a position that allows me to do so free of personal sacrifice. Hell, screw personal sacrifice, I might even be earning a profit! It’s currently under investigation.
While I’m being so honest here, I suppose there’s another issue I should address. My free offsets don’t really do much to impact global warming in the short term. According to Carbon Neutral Company, a vendor of carbon offsets to GIM, offsets are “unable to reduce greenhouse emissions…in the short term.” Their long-term effects, though much more clear, have been the topic of debate also. Don’t get me wrong, this does strike me as a bit strange. But hey, I’m not even paying for it, so why not?
In light of all of this, I, along with my spokesman, still maintain that I am not a hypocrite. I revere personal sacrifice as an excellent option for those Americans who cannot afford to offset their environmental impact, as Tipper and I are able. At the end of my movie I asked if you were prepared to change the way you live. Just to be clear: I was asking you.
Al Gore is a senior in high school impressing admissions officers vicariously through Chris Giliberti.