The Low-Down on Going Down-Low: Part I
November 30, 2007
For many, college is the first opportunity to openly explore their sexuality and expand their experiences. We don’t seem to have any trouble embracing that fact; that “Places to Have Sex On Campus” is a Tufts Top Ten category is a sign that acknowledging our sexual habits is hardly taboo. But if we can talk openly about “hooking up” — an undefined cloud of casual sexual acts — why do we get so hung up talking about oral sex?
We’ve started the discussion, but I feel we’re far from answers. If oral sex is so “popular,” why are many partners uncomfortable with it? Why is a man’s desire for blow jobs a publicly recognized fact, but a woman’s request for reciprication still a bit “edgy?” Well, maybe that’s because we haven’t found innocuous slang for it yet — can anyone really say “cunnilingus” without thinking of an exotic bacterium? I can’t. But, seriously, what makes oral sex a disconcerting topic?
On one level, it’s simple: Our gonads (being “sex organs”) are tied up in our minds with sex and little else. Our mouths, on the other hand, are an essential part of the everyday — expressing our opinions and moods, eating the food and breathing the air we need to survive. By comparison, your penis or vagina is bound to feel a little impersonal, as familiar as you may be with it, and using your mouth to pleasure your partner might feel less “casual” than you first thought. Ironically, oral sex can feel impersonal too; the practical logistics of putting your mouth between your partner’s legs means your face and most of your body will be obscured. That setup can make it very easy for the pleasured party to dissociate the sensations away from the person responsible — namely, you.
Maybe it’s that confusion of the act’s significance or the physical positions that contribute to the perceived power differential in oral sex. The feeling, whether you believe it or not, is that one partner is entitled to pleasure, and the giver should be grateful for the honor to pleasure the recipient. Think I’m wrong? Try this on for size: What if President Clinton had been busted for licking intern Monica Lewinski’s clitoris? I wish I could honestly say who was doing what wouldn’t make a difference in public opinion, but I can’t.
Still not convinced there is bias? Take a minute to look at how we talk about this stuff: while we “have sex with someone,” oral pleasuring becomes “getting” or “giving head,” as though the pleasure was an object rather than a shared experience. And why does taking tests “suck” and writing papers “blow,” if oral sex is so pleasurable? It’s because when you say “that test sucked,” you imply “that test sucked me” — putting it in a submissive and undesirable position. Obviously, it isn’t meant literally or even figuratively, but that slang’s origin lies in the perceived inequality of participants in oral sex. (“Fuck you” falls in this same lexigraphic paradigm.) So, the next time you want to express your dislike, take a moment to look closely at what stereotypes you’re supporting, okay?
Let’s try an example: You hook up with your friend Casey and head back to your room to make out. You’re still not sure how you or Casey feels about your relationship, but the kissing and heavy petting feels good. As you’re getting into it, though, Casey puts a hand on your head and pushes you between his/her legs — indicating for you to suck his penis/her clitoris. How do you feel? Without discussing it first, you don’t know if Casey cares more about the pleasure or who’s doing the pleasuring, and whether he/she will pleasure you in return. And that, more than being on your knees, is a very uncomfortable position.
But then why is oral sex so popular? Because we use our mouth every day, it is one of the most finely tuned muscle groups in our body. There just aren’t many activities that require the same amount of practiced control over your pelvis (besides intercourse). And, as a result of all that “everyday” activity, pound for pound, your tongue is your strongest muscle anywhere. Thus, oral stimulation can be very precise, controlled and powerful.
We have this idealized notion that partners’ pleasures peak simultaneously during intercourse — which, as almost anyone who’s had sex can tell you, is a difficult feat of timing. Stimulation during sex can be haphazard and chaotic — each partner’s sensation of pleasure makes it more difficult to pleasure the other. Think about yourself near orgasm: are you in the best position to gyrate your hips, pulse your fingers, or trill your tongue in just the right way to pleasure your partner? That’s why dividing up the tasks of pleasuring and being pleasured can be much more satisfying than mutual stimulation — especially if you or your partner has trouble reaching orgasm. Blowjobs and handjobs can be very personal experiences when you realize your partner is specifically pleasuring you, not scratching an itch — which is why eye contact and verbal expressions of pleasure are so moving.
By now, you’re probably thinking, “Okay, I get it: oral sex can be great but also awkward. What can I do about that?” Keep an eye out for tips on how to make oral sex more satisfying for you and your partner in next week’s Observer.