Read This and I'll Like You
February 8, 2008
The friend who is overly-friendly at all times. The perfectionist who collapses under pressure. The person who constantly relies on the advice of others. What do these (hypothetical) people have in common? I’m sure you can match the description to the face, because these types are everywhere. They are clingy and dependent, and once they go down the road of indecisiveness, they have a hard time finding their way back again. Why does it happen? Is it healthy? Science has yet to give us a definitive answer.
But researchers have made some remarkable discoveries. This type of behavior usually stems from a “need to be cared for”—a mark of what psychiatrists call “dependent personality disorder.” When people control their impulses to run for help, this trait can work positively in stressed relationships. Robert Bornstein, a psychologist at Adelphi University, says these people “learned to make others feel good about helping them.” Studies found that needier students did better in their college academics.
However, my hunch is that the long term may have negative implications. The better grades of these needy individuals may suggest someone who is grasping for control in one aspect of their life as compensation for a lack of control in social situations. These types may also fall into a nasty pattern of giving up control to external sources, sacrificing self for security and leaning on friends or spouses to prop up their unstable egos. They could easily be taken advantage of, lack the autonomy they need to live on their own, or be more prone to following their parents’ advice instead of forging their own life path. Some may appear fake or behave in an overly forced manner, projecting a persona that they believe will insulate themselves against their worst fear: being alone.
The question is: why do some people catch this character flaw, while others don’t? More often than not, they were reared by overly-protective parents. Bornstein says, “The message growing up is: You’re fragile, you’re weak, you need someone powerful to look after you.” That’s where the seed of self doubt is sown. The inability to be decisive, confident and a leader might well stem from parental megalomania, a fiendish parenting ploy to mold children into replicas of what parents view to be the “correct” lifestyle. These are often the parents who cram stress into their kids’ lives and, like a bad film, add superfluous, incessant narratives and voiceovers to a life-script they should only guide, not write. However, the trouble arises when the sons or daughters tolerate this sadistic yet common form of child abuse rather than rebel like normal adolescents. Maybe they feel the praise they earn by copying the behavior of their parents is less scary than real autonomy. For if they choose the latter, they become exposed to the harsh and unpredictable critiques of the world around them. Of course, there are other explanations to why people catch this personality epidemic; this one just happens to match up with the subgroup we encounter, the “successful” yet pod-like ones who rampantly roam college campuses.
In an age of extremism, where people are either successful or unsuccessful, cool or unpopular, normal or weird, people think if they appear to have it all on the outside, and avoid figuring out what actually makes them happy, success will diffuse into their lives like osmosis. Application of scientific laws to human interaction aside, we know this to be a false hope. Giving up control to others may look like the easiest option, but it will drain away all empowerment over time. Furthermore, people have to be alone eventually, and no one fancies having a psychological breakdown or being paralyzed with indecision. The best way to combat this increasingly problematic issue is to remember that you have control over your life. Like Smoky the Bear says, “Only you can prevent forest fires.” What Smoky meant to say is that life is like a big forest, and by navigating your own path, you, and only you, can save yourself and other campers from a catastrophic (and irritating) inferno.