How to Procrastinate Like You Were Born 3 days Late Then Moseyed Out of Your Mother's Womb Fresh From a Nap and Drizzled in Cheeto Dust

April 1, 2008

by Emma Wallace

It has come to the attention of the administration that productivity around Tufts has been at an all-time high. It is disheartening to look around the campus and see scholars, musicians, artists, and even researchers not throwing their time away when they all have the potential to be doing, in scientific terms, diddily squat. This reporter, one of the few true procrastinators left, has decided to take it into her own hands. I don’t know what has gotten into all of you efficient time users, but frankly, it makes me ill. And no, that’s not because I just downed five pounds of Marshmallow Fluff (yeah, just to see if I could. Take notes).


I am determined to save this campus from a world I fear: a world where meals are eaten when hungry and not purely to test the fro-yo limits of your digestive system; a world where no space is stared off into; a world where the idea of an elephant stampede 30 members strong isn’t considered a well-thought-out plan of action to kick start total Tufts domination. Tufts, it’s time to procrastinate before you all remember why you shouldn’t. By the end of these six steps weaning you slowly off productivity, you could be sitting in the library, no study materials in site unless you count a killer fort, complete with running water and homemade snacks. Yes, you too can be a “pro-crastinator.” The word itself urges humans to desire the achievement of its title. A follow-up piece on how to cram will follow eventually, when I find the time. But time seems to be a damn good sardines player.


1. Buddy up: In all good step-by-step programs, you need a support system. Someone who’s there if you suddenly feel the desire to organize, schedule, or focus your eyes for more than a minute. This companion may give you tough love at times but he or she really does have your best interest-of-the-moment in mind. I was lucky enough to have my procrastination buddy (“crasti-pal”) be live-in (never doubt the roommate pairing system), but the most tried and true way to find your compatible friend is to simply leave it to luck: lie in the middle of the hallway with your shoes on and permanent markers within arm’s length. Whoever draws the most unique and well-thought-out caricature and/or most life like penis is meant to be your TWFF (Time-Wasting Friend Forever).


2. Pop goes the awesomeness: Many people’s downfall after a day of steadfast procrastination is the call from home. A pin to that awesome balloon you had developed around yourself to shield you from the reality of life’s responsibilities. All it takes is the disappointment in your mother’s voice to collapse the K’nex-like world of procrastination euphoria. (Tip: K’nex are awesome. Try procrastinating with them. Never ever eat them). When your mom calls, be ready with the following cover story: “Hey (insert adorable childhood nickname for mother dearest). The buddies and I are just deep in a political discussion about boring stuff. No open flames are nearby and I haven’t even thought about the symmetry of my hair. Wish I could talk about my love for you, but I’m really busy earning good grades and representing my generation of no-good freeloaders. Call you later.”


3. People Pollution: There is no bigger downer than being surrounded by the campus bottom feeders: productivores. Kind of like carnivores, but way more evil, productivores rip through the flesh of fun Jurassic Park style. Or like when that little dude is climbing the fence and the other chick is about to turn on the power. And you’re like, “DEAR GOD NO!” Metaphor lost. Either way, it’s good to get outside, away from any peer pressure to produce (also applicable advice for sex talk articles). I enjoy taking this procrastinatively productive time to piece together my night before. There is nothing like walking into a frat during the day to give you a feeling similar to drunkenly getting off at the wrong floor in your dorm. It seems familiar, but there’s an Alice in Wonderland factor that’s really throwing you off and kind of making you queasy.


4. Hide and go do something useless: When easing out of a life of time management skills, schedules, and to do-lists, it’s important to come down slowly. Like from heroin. I suggest the “out of sight out of mind” approach. For example, I had to write this article two days ago, but to avoid the aching desire to get it done, I hid my computer and any writing implements behind a burning wall of doom. Oscar the troll was kind enough to play bouncer, Wizard of Oz flying monkey style. Once you can’t see what you’re avoiding the only thing that will be there to remind you of work are those “emotions” and “feelings.” Procrastinators have learned to keep these bottled up. Specifically in a vodka bottle-shaped container in their hearts.


5. Procrasti-snacki: Everyone’s got to eat. When in doubt, when you’re out of all other options, and are about to give the code word to Oscar, just grab your TWFF and head to the closest dining hall (consider this my official plug for Carmichael). It is super easy to kill three or four hours in these havens. Sample every option from the salad bar. Test every sneeze guard for quality. Stage an impromptu dance party to the tunes blasting from the coolest club on campus — the dishroom. Stack things (drinking cups are a favorite, but go ahead and branch out — bowls and plates, pieces of lasagna, chairs, ice cream cones, and even your friends will all make great stackees). Reposition all the spotlights to point at one table (obviously Carmichael specific). Do whatever it takes to stay there long enough to get in two properly timed meals for the swipe of one. And if you can get away with it, do a quick fro-yo stand. (I got up to four. Dare you to beat it without getting banned from the frozen treat section).


In the end, procrastination is about being creative. Don’t get down on yourself just because you keep getting good grades or sneaking in an extracurricular. College is a learning experience and you will achieve procrastinator status eventually, but if you got to the end of this article, it’s going to be a bumpy road with that rock-hard attention span of yours. (Note from the editor: Emma’s Ex-college seminar on procrastination has been postponed indefinitely).

Emma Wallace is a freshman majoring in Entropy.