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Police Blotter 4/1

April 1, 2008

Honestly fabricated by Molly Posner

Monday, March 17

At 11:00 a.m. TUPD responded to a noise complaint in Dublin. Upon arrival, officers observed an absurd number of underage persons drinking what appeared to be green beer. The abundance of alcohol appeared to have its origin from kegs throughout the city. After further investigation, officers realized that instead of the usual “Natural Light” found at most on campus parties, Guinness and unspecified green alcohol seemed to be the norm. Shortly thereafter, the much needed TEMS arrived on the scene, only to become quickly intoxicated themselves, after being offered green punch from a (non-Tufts) leprechaun. After “confiscating” the kegs and a few cups just for good measure, TUPD drunkenly reported the entire city to the Dean’s office.

Thursday, March 21

At 10:56 p.m., TUPD responded to a fraternity house on Professors Row. Upon arrival, officers observed a fan blowing smoke out of a second story window. When they entered the house and went upstairs, officers found ten Tufts students who had been smoking marijuana. Although the students vehemently denied the allegations, the four empty plastic baggies, towel under the door, can of air freshener, fan blowing out an open window during a hail storm, three bongs, five finished pints of ice cream, three half-eaten bags of cheese puffs, one bottle of eye drops, DVD of Planet Earth playing in the background, and non-intelligible talk of the wonders and beauty of artificial cheese seemed like enough probable cause for the officers.

Friday, March 22

At 5:30 p.m., TUPD received a call from an angry faculty member who had parked his car in the Lower Campus parking lot. Not only did the perpetrator smash his window to take his obviously placed GPS system, but the steering wheel, passenger seat, and bumper sticker reading “without geometry life is pointless” were all also reportedly missing.

Monday, March 24

At 8:00 p.m., TUPD responded to Tisch Library, where a Tufts student had been caught masturbating in the stacks. When officers questioned the student, he stated that he “dreamed of being on the front page of the Daily on a day when many prospective students would see the paper and this seemed to be a good way of doing it.” He also stated that his spring break trip to Cancun made him crave “more excitement from Tufts” and the “dusty stacks needed a little spicing up.” After searching his bag, officers found a bottle of free lubricant courtesy of Health Services and a printout of the MySpace profile page of “Kristen,” the infamous choice prostitute of Eliot Spitzer.