Brady's Bundles of Joy

April 1, 2007

When Bridget Moynahan first announced that she was pregnant with Tom Brady’s baby, it sent shockwaves throughout the nation to find out that Brady would be a father for the very first time out of wedlock. JUNINHO BRADY and FRANKLIN DELANO BRADY, III—yes, you read those last names right—revealed to the Tufts Observer in an exclusive that their father, Tom Brady, has more kids out there than you think.

It was only a little over a month ago when Tom Brady and his ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan shocked the world by announcing that in the late stages of their relationship, they conceived a child. Brady and his current girlfriend, stunning Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, seemed to take the news in stride. While the incident threw a cloud of doubt over Brady’s character, the aftermath of the pregnancy announcement demonstrated that Brady can handle his personal issues with the same cool confidence he exhibits when dropping back to pass.

However, this past week Brady conducted a press conference outside his home that cast a shadow that even Brady’s calm demeanor could not deflect.

Sitting in a wooden chair on his porch, surrounded by several members of the New England area press, Brady admitted that the child he fathered with Moynahan was not the only offspring he conceived outside of a relationship. According to Brady, he has sired some “fifteen, twenty, I honestly can’t say for sure” children during his various romantic endeavors since reaching puberty in his eleventh year. Brady added, “I stopped counting like five years ago; it got to be a little ridiculous.”

When reached for comment, Gisele offered somewhat shaky support of her beau. “Really, it is a testament to his manliness,” she responded when asked how she felt about Brady’s prodigious procreation. Gisele then raised some questions about her feelings about Tom’s recent announcement. “But I guess it maybe wasn’t the kind of news I was hoping for. I mean, I’ve always thought that a man raising one child out of wedlock could be really hot, but more than fifteen might be a little too much for me. It’s just kind of overkill, you know?”

Moynahan was overtly critical of her ex, and offered sympathy for Gisele. “I knew about Tom’s past early in our relationship. I didn’t like it, but I kept quiet about it and moved on because, well, he’s Tom Brady. It wasn’t too bad because it wasn’t a public thing back then. I feel really bad that Ms. Bundchen has to deal with the ridicule that’s going to come with this news. Tom has put a pretty huge burden on her by going public with this.”

Brady, clad in only a ketchup-stained wife-beater and white boxer shorts with red dots, seemed to offer little apology for his abundance of offspring, and even admitted that his decision to tell the world about his past was a very calculated one. “Look, I’m Tom Brady. I’m 6’4,” a little under 230 pounds, pretty good looking, and I’m probably the best quarterback in football right now. Besides Peyton, that is. He’s the fucking man. Anyways, who wouldn’t wanna have a kid with me? I’m Tom Brady.”

When asked why he was only now coming out with the news of his children, Brady stated “Well, it was really only a matter of time before some of my kids grew up and lord knows that if I didn’t tell people about them before they got to their really rebellious years, they’d be coming out of the woodwork, calling me a deadbeat and stuff. It was best that you guys hear it from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.”

Based on Brady’s statements during his press conference, it can be safely assumed that he is the father of around twenty children, ages one month to sixteen years, Moynahan’s child notwithstanding. The children all live in either California (Brady’s native state), Michigan (where he went to college), and the greater Boston area—with the one exception—there was a child conceived during a visit to the Bahamas, an 18 birthday gift. Brady stated, “Yeah, I haven’t really done that much since I graduated from Michigan. There’s a really puritan vibe going on around New England. I think I’ve had only two, maybe three kids since I got here.”

One of his earliest romantic liaisons, a 30-year-old woman living in San Mateo, CA who wished to remain anonymous, related her tale of becoming one of Tom’s babies’ mothers. “Back then, he wasn’t famous or anything, but he was really good at football and had this really confident air about him. Not like overly cocky, but he was the man. He was still Tom Brady even before people knew who he was. Anyways, he’s really good about sending me checks.”

Brady’s actions, while largely overlooked by the American public, have brought distress and disappointment out of Robert Kraft, the president of the New England Patriots and the man that courageously chose Brady in the sixth round of the 2000 NFL draft.

Kraft, along with head coach Bill Belicheck, built the Patriots’ dynasty around the morals and ideals of honesty, professionalism, and a team-first approach. However, following Brady’s recent confessions, it seems that the All-Pro quarterback has broken the last straw with his employers
“In all honesty, there is a lot that has gone on behind the scenes that people don’t know about,” said Kraft. “Tom appears to be the all-American poster boy at first, but I’ve been dealing with this crap for years. I’m tired of having to cover up for his mistakes.”

Apparently, according to legal representatives of the Kraft family, Brady has been involved in several brush-ups with the law, most recently a domestic violence charge filed by the family of Patriots wide receiver Reche Caldwell.

While Caldwell refused to comment on the actions of his quarterback, the Observer undercover reporting team was able to get exclusive answers from neighbors of Caldwell. At the request of the neighbors, their identities will remain secret.

“Tom came over one night wicked angry,” one neighbor said. “He was screaming, ‘How the fuck do you drop that fucking wide open pass against the Colts, you fucking moron!’ He then went inside and I heard a bunch of noise and saw Reche thrown out the window with a football duck-taped to his hands.” (Apparently, Brady must have caught a glimpse of FX’s broadcast of the famous football flick Friday Night Lights, where actor/singer Tim McGraw duck-tapes the ball to his son in order to teach him how to hold on to it). Brady has had several other encounters with authorities. However, factual accounts of these events have been well-hidden in order to protect the reputation of the storied NFL franchise.

In addition, Brady’s legal issues have hurt the Patriots franchise in other ways. “I was going to buy the Celtics,” Kraft said. “I had a 40-million dollar deal all set. It was a real bargain. I even had verbal agreements from Kobe Bryant and Yao Ming that they would put on the Celtics green if I became president. I never got to use that money. It went to covering up Tom’s problems. I think it’s also paying for his sixth-born child’s private school education.”

With the face of the franchise now tarnished and embarrassed, the front office, along with Belichick, will be meeting on Sunday to discuss the future of Tom Brady. It is widely expected that Brady will be relieved of his contract and given his formal release the following week. Finding an adequate replacement for Brady seems to be an impossible task for the Patriots. They have already spent the majority of their money on free agents such as Adelius Thomas, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth. With regards to their first-round draft choices, picking up a good quarterback does not seem to be an option.

However, analysts from NFL Network have heard rumors that the Patriots are planning a huge raid on the most in-demand free agent quarterback on the market, former Fresno State and Houston Texan standout David Carr.

Carr was released by the Texans after the franchise signed restricted free agent Matt Schaub from the Atlanta Falcons a few weeks ago. In an interview Carr expressed his excitement about possibly donning the number eight for the New England Patriots.

“I’d love to go up to Boston,” Carr said. “I’ve had five great seasons in Houston. What a classy franchise. They really did everything they could to protect me, but to be honest, I just felt like I needed a change of scenery.”

When asked if he could take over for Tom Brady, Carr believed he was more than up for the challenge. “I watched Tom play a lot,” Carr said, adding, “He made so many mistakes. He was so shaky under pressure. He could never think on his feet like me. I always thought to myself that I could really take that Patriots offense to greater heights.”

The Patriots, if they decide to sign Carr, will be signing a player who is the true antithesis to Brady. Carr is happily married to his college sweetheart with two kids and has no apparent illegitimate children floating around the United States or the Caribbean. A clean cut kid who is always on time, Carr always helps his teammates, and most importantly, always encourages them rather than launching them out of glass windows.

But what about Tom Brady? What is going to happen to America’s “favorite quarterback” now that the Patriots will drop him faster than he left his high school graduation (his hasty departure was triggered when his American history teacher told him she was two-months pregnant with his child—it was her first, his fifth). Brady still has that swagger though and believes he’ll be enshrined in Canton when all is said and done, or be named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive at least four times in his lifetime.

He has explored other options besides football. “I thought about acting,” Brady said, “But Peyton stole that one from me. Modeling has really started to interest me and with these chiseled looks and six-pack abs, I’m a natural. Oh! How could I forget the feature that got me here? My chin dimple, of course. Yeah, I’ve gotten at least three girls in bed from my chin alone. But I digress. Gisele says I got what it takes and frankly, I’ll do whatever I have to get backstage to next year’s Victoria Secret Fashion show.”

Brady even went as far as saying he has considered trying a new sport.”The Celtics general manager, Danny Ainge, called me,” Brady said. “But their cheerleaders aren’t as hot as the ones in the NFL. And nowhere near as easy. He then started crying hysterically and screaming something about the fall of the franchise or something. I really can’t remember…”

Whatever Brady does decide to do, this past week in Boston has definitely been an eventful one. We’ve seen Brady go from Hall of Fame to Hall of Shame and it seems more likely he’ll be appearing on Jerry Springer’s show rather than the gridiron next season.

Whatever the case, years from now coaches all over the NFL will salivate at the prospect of drafting a quarterback from the Brady pedigree—and at this rate, they’ll have quite the selection.